VISION OUT OF SYNC

06:30 and I've been awake for long over an hour now. Having trouble sleeping lately. One week of my sick leave has passed and I'm starting to understand why the doctor felt so adament in making sure I rest. I have been in more pain than usual and with the little miracle baby growing, it's putting some serious pressure on everything, including my myomas (muscle knots). It's really uncomfortable and painful to say the least. My early contractions aren't making it easier to cope either. All this pain is making me feel nauseas as well. But the part of me that has a hard time connecting with everything that's going on is... my brain. I have been so frustrated that my body decided to, in my mind, give up. I had a rosy vision of me keeping my morning running regime, instructing my classes at the gym, be active, glowing, vibrant, being in sync with the life growing within me. Wrong!!! Don't misunderstand me now, I feel blessed to be pregnant with a life growing inside of me, with or without all the complications, but the reality is just not matching up to the vision I had. Here I am, already been admitted to the hospital having problems with large myomas that may later down the line complicate the actual birth of the baby. I also have severe pelvic girdle pains to the point where I can barely walk, or have to stop completely until it subsides. And to top it all off, I've got heavy, painful early contractions that puts me at risk of delivering too early and the baby at risk for health complications if that happens. Yes, according to the doctor, this is serious shit, and I get it, the severity of it all, I really do, but still... it's not matching up to my vision... And I don't understand why... What happened?

Next step is acceptance rather than frustration. Not quite there yet though.